Is this you?
- Are you feeling stuck in relationship pain?
- Do you find it hard to sleep through the night because of anxiety?
- Are you feeling frustrated, but don’t know what you can do to get unstuck?
Firstly know that you are not alone and that there is a way out of your pain!
Over the past decade working with hundreds of clients, I have come to a clear understanding that no matter what “PAIN” you are in…relationship pain, money pain, physical pain, accident pain etc…the PAIN is just the tip of the iceberg. There is a lot more to what you are seeing at the surface level.
You may have heard the quote: “If you want to change the FRUITS, you first have to first address the ROOTS!” ~ T Harv Ecker
So, our “relationship pain” is not “created” just from the recent circumstances we find ourselves in. Although it may seem like that is the ROOT CAUSE. We may easily judge or blame the other as being the ROOT of the problem.
Truth is, there is so much more to our current relationship pain than we think. We bring old emotional baggage from our childhood relationships with our parents, early caregivers, into our current ones with our spouse, our children, our partners etc.
Here are 2 case studies to explore the ROOT causes of relationship pain!
Case 1: Let’s say your current relationship situation is that you feel like you and your spouse have drifted apart over the years, you feel a clear dis-connect. There have been various emotional wounds along the way. In your heart, you have known for a while that something has been off in this relationship for a while. However, you do not dare voice your true feelings for the fear of the conflicts that it might create, fear of hurting related family members, society, etc. Even though this relationship pain is leaving you feeling stuck, angry, frustrated, sleepless and drained, you don’t really dare to take any concrete action.
A possible childhood scenario might be that as a child you grew up in an environment where your parents were very strict. Maybe you had siblings who constantly rebelled against them. As a result, there were BIG NOISY fights in the house because of it. As you watched all this chaos and disharmony between your loved ones, you did not dare voice your own feelings or frustrations, for the fear of making things worse. Instead you tried to be the peace maker, the one who did as you were told, just so you could AVOID ANY CONFLICT! You wanted to peace and harmony at any cost!
So now as an adult, you bring this way of being into your relationship with your spouse too. And even though your soul is aching and you feel like you are slowly suffocating in this relationship, voicing your true feelings, or doing something about this situation goes against every grain in your body. You are the one that creates harmony, not disharmony! You AVOID CONFLICTS AT ANY COST. And so you feel stuck and trapped!
Case 2: Let’s say you were raised in an environment where there was there were strict expectations from parents. The home atmosphere was more autocratic than democratic! It was more a top down type of communication. There was little or no focus on addressing your wishes, feelings, emotions. There was not much room for your ideas, views, wishes and your feelings and emotions were minimized, simply ignored, or dismissed. The underlying message was that emotions are a sign of weakness. Just be strong and keep going.
So, as a child, you learned to be emotionally distant and practical in relating to people. As you stepped into other relationships, you subconsciously bring this into your other relationships – you’re your children, spouse, business partner etc. And it is possible that this lack of deep emotional bonding with your spouse over the years may have subconsciously contributed to all sorts of communication blocks and rifts in your relationship, which were never spoken about. You just kept moving forward. No time to attend to feelings! And now you feel stuck!
In order to truly heal the current Relationship Pain you find yourself in, it’s important to heal the pain from its ROOTS!
Here are 3 simple ways to do that:
- Understand the root of your pain – the root of your pain is unique to you. So take time to reflect on the KEY childhood relationship experiences in your life. Your relationship with your mother, father, sister, other key care givers in your childhood.
- Let Go of Past Pain in Relationships– forgiveness is key to stopping the cycle of relationship pain. What hurts are you holding on to from early memories? What still angers, saddens or upsets you as you think of your interactions with your father, mother etc? Take time to clear out that old emotional pain and let it go! You don’t want to carry old stuff into your current relationships.
- Build New Relationship Model– are there people whose relationships inspire you? Other family members, or friends or colleagues who have a solid empowering relationship? Past and present figures can be a source of inspiration for healing and building a positive, uplifting relationship.
Breaking the cycle of pain in a relationship can feel overwhelming and difficult. It takes conscious effort by the people involved to address the ROOT issues. As you begin to let go and heal the old pain, you can move forward feeling lighter and more at peace and transform the relationships to a more loving and supportive one.
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