Is this you?
- Is your relationship feeling like a big struggle?
- Do you feel a disconnect between you and your spouse?
- Does this relationship occupy your thoughts and drain your energy?
- Are you feeling frustrated, suffocated and trapped?
- Do you feel like you are going to explode with all this chaos within and yet have no clue where to go or what to do?
Firstly, know that you are not alone. And remind yourself that you are doing the best you can given the circumstances. This is a complex issue and its important to try to be more patient and compassionate with yourself as you move through this.
After a decade of working with clients on physical and emotional pain issues, I find that often the reason people are STUCK in their relationship is because they may be addressing issues on the surface level only. They are not really getting to the CORE.
What does that mean?
This quote by T Harv Ecker probably says it best:
“If you want to change the FRUITS, you first have to first address the ROOTS!”
“If you want to change the VISIBLE, you first have to first address the INVISIBLE”
ANY CURRENT PAIN you find yourself in right now (physical pain, relationship pain, money pain, health pain) is only a VISIBLE RESULT of what’s happening at the INVISIBLE ROOT level.
Truth is, our “relationship issues” are not “created” just from the recent circumstances we find ourselves in. Our pattern of relating to others begins long before our relationship with our spouse. We bring into our current relationships, old patterns of relating from our very first model of relationships in our life – our relationship with our parents.
Lets explore this through 2 different cases.
Case 1: Let’s say your current relationship situation is that you feel like you and your spouse have drifted apart over the years, you feel a clear dis-connect. There have been various emotional wounds along the way. In your heart you have known for a while that you want out of this relationship. However you do not dare voice your true feelings for the fear of the conflicts that it might create, fear of hurting related family members, society, etc. Even though this relationship pain is leaving you angry, frustrated, sleepless and drained, you don’t really dare to take any concrete action.
A possible childhood scenario might be that as a child you grew up in an environment where your parents were very strict. Maybe you had siblings who constantly rebelled against them. As a result there were BIG NOISY fights in the house because of it. As you watched all this chaos and disharmony between your loved ones, you did not dare voice your own feelings or frustrations, for the fear of making things worse. Instead you tried to be the peace maker, the one who did as told, just so you could AVOID ANY CONFLICT! You wanted to peace and harmony at any cost!
So now as an adult, you bring this way of being into your relationship with your spouse too. And even though your soul is aching and you feel like you are slowly suffocating in this relationship, voicing your true feelings, or doing something about this situation goes against every grain in your body. You are the one that creates harmony, not disharmony! You AVOID CONFLICTS AT ANY COST. And so you feel stuck and trapped!
Case 2:Lets say you were raised in an environment where there was very little or no focus on addressing EMOTIONS AND FEELINGS. Discussions or open talks about your feelings and emotions were minimized, simply ignored, or dismissed. So if you found yourself going through emotional pain, it was up to you to deal with it on your own and just get on with life. And so there was never really any close knit, deep emotional bonding with parents or siblings. The focus was all about learning skills and tools to improve performance and create independence.
So, as a child, you learned to be emotionally distant and not emotionally nurturing in relationships. You bring this way of relating in your current relationship with your spouse too.
And it is possible that this lack of deep emotional bonding with your spouse over the years may have subconsciously contributed to all sorts of communication blocks and rifts in your relationship. And now you feel stuck!
So your current relationship pain has much deeper roots than what you see and experience on the surface. That is why when you truly want to heal your relationship pain, and feel peace and clarity, you won’t get too far unless you take time to REFLECT and ADDRESS the old emotional childhood wounds that you are still holding on to subconsciously.
Once you can identify and address those ROOT patterns of relating, you will be able to be able effectively heal this pain from its CORE and move forward with awareness, compassion and peace!
